Touch x Me x First
by HanaKaicho
Summary: Killua is plagued with memories of Gon as he was in the hospital after his fight with Pitou, even when he's awake. He tries to escape his troubles by running away and drowning them in alcohol but eventually Gon catches up to help.


Killua hadn't really slept in over a week. For some reason, the sight of Gon as he had been after his fight with Pitou, shriveled and bleeding into the sheets of the hospital bed, had been flooding his mind.

At the moment, he was stumbling back home.

Earlier that day, Gon had tried to reach out to Killua and get him to open up about what was wrong but when Gon had stretched out his hand, Killua saw the hand he had pulled out of the bed sheets for Alluka and Nanika to touch to fix him. Killua had panicked and run away. He assumed that Gon had been too surprised to follow. Killua hadn't seen Gon all day, though since his face had been stuck in various bottles the whole day, maybe that didn't mean anything.

He was drunk, very much so, and he felt miserable. His stomach churned in protest and his normally relatively guarded feelings felt raw and exposed. Between the booze and sleep deprivation, they were waiting only for the slightest provocation to send him careening down a river of tears or laughter. He had hoped if he drank enough, the images would cease and, well, he was right, at least for now. And it was worth it but only just.

He was pretty close to home when he stopped for a moment and leaned against a streetlight. Pretty much everything was spinning.

 _I should have eaten more._

Suddenly Gon's voice rang out behind Killua. "Killua!"

"Gon…"

Time seemed to slow to a crawl. Killua could hear Gon's footsteps as he ran towards Killua. With each step Gon took, Killua's stress level rose. What if, when he looked at Gon, Killua saw the Gon that had been in the hospital?

"Gon, stop!" Killua called, his voice less forceful than he had hoped.

Gon's footsteps indicated that he had hesitantly pulled up and stopped a few feet away.

"Killu-"

"Don't come any closer," Killua said. "I don't want… I don't…"

"You don't want…?" Gon coaxed. "Killua, are you okay? You've had a lot to drink today."

"You followed me?"

"No, but I can smell it all over you. It smells like you took a bath in alcohol," Gon said, sounding concerned rather than disgusted. "Aren't you feeling sick? Let's go home."

"I keep seeing you like you were before Alluka and Nanika healed you," Killua said abruptly, his stomach clenching at the thought. He could feel himself sinking towards the ground but couldn't correct it. "The bloody bandages, the way your hand was so shriveled and cold."

"Killua…"

"When I saw your hand earlier today, that's what I saw. I couldn't…" Killua could feel tears building up in his eyes. "It was just in my head at first. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see it. And now I'm seeing it with my eyes open too!"

Killua had sunk to his knees on the pavement by this point. He took a breath to prepare to speak again.

"So I don't want… I don't… I don't want to look at you, Gon!" Killua cried out the completed sentence, voice breaking. "I'm scared that's what I'll see! I'm scared I'll see you dying in front of me again!"

After a short pause, Gon started approaching again, walking this time.

"What if you touch me first, Killua?"

"Huh?"

"What if, instead of looking at me, you can touch me first?" Gon suggested, now directly behind Killua. "Do you want to try it?"

Killua responded with a sniffle and, "Yeah," so Gon settled in at his back.

"Tell me if you want me to come around in front of you, okay?" Gon said, already gently threading his fingers through Killua's hair and playing with it. Killua nodded in response.

From there, Gon's fingers trailed delicately over Killua's ears and down the sides of his neck to his shoulders. His hands kept moving slowly down Killua's arms and back up, reaching especially for the inner parts of his arms where the skin would be the most sensitive.

Gon laid his head on Killua's shoulder and asked, "How does this feel? Does it feel okay?"

Feeling Gon's warm, rough hands on his arms and Gon's hot breath on his neck caused warm butterflies to pool in Killua's stomach, joining the lingering anxiety. Normally that might have been pleasant but in his current state, it was overwhelming. He lurched forward as he threw up onto the sidewalk.

"Killua!" Gon whined, pressing a couple of kisses into Killua's neck as he coughed. "Let me take you home, please. Let's go home so I can take care of you."

"I'm sorry, Gon," Killua said, low and miserable sounding. "I can't…ca…n't…I'm not…"

Gon decided to change tactics a little as Killua's words dissolved into tears. Gon told Killua to close his eyes for a moment and turned him so that he wasn't staring down into his own sick. Then Gon shifted himself so they were facing each other and he pulled Killua's forehead onto his shoulder. Once they were positioned like that, Gon stroked Killua's hair and scratched his back gently.

"Killua, you couldn't see my face when I was in the hospital, right?" Gon said. "It was just bandages, right?"

Killua sobbed into Gon's shoulder and nodded.

"Okay, keep your eyes closed just a little longer," Gon said.

Gon sat Killua up straight for a moment before touching their heads together. He positioned himself so that when Killua opened his eyes, the first and only thing he would see would be Gon's eyes. He held Killua's cheeks gently but firmly in his hands and said, "Okay, Killua, look at me."

Killua held his breath and concentrated on the warm feeling of Gon's palms on his cheeks. Cautiously, he opened his eyes which stared straight into Gon's. They looked like pools of clean sap in this light, dark but clear.

Gon's hands reached down to grab Killua's hands and bring them to Gon's face.

"I'm okay, Killua. See? You saved me. You brought Alluka and Nanika to me and saved me. I'm okay," Gon said as he continued to look straight into Killua's eyes.

At seeing Gon as he was, not as his thoughts had made him see, Killua started to cry again, this time tears of relief.

But his feelings of relief didn't last long because his stomach lurched again and he threw up into Gon's lap.

There was a moment of silence before Killua flopped backward and said in his deadpan voice, "Do me a favor and leave me here for dead, okay, Gon?"

Gon laughed a little, happy that Killua seemed more himself again, and jumped over so he was on all fours, straddling Killua. He pecked two quick kisses on Killua's cheeks and said, "Let's go home, Killua. Now we both smell bad."

The way Gon ended his sentence with a giggle was contagious and Killua and Gon both started to laugh. Killua suddenly felt his stomach churn again but he managed to shove Gon away before rolling onto his side to let it out.

"Killua!" Gon sounded like he was trying to scold Killua now. "This is why you should have let me take you home before! How much did you drink?"

"I don't really remember."

Eventually the two made it home and Gon cared for Killua late into the night, keeping cool, damp cloths aplenty on hand. When it seemed like Killua's stomach had finally settled, Gon got him settled into bed. Gon snuggled into bed with Killua and ran his fingers through Killua's hair, playing with it to relax both himself and Killua. Gon didn't miss how Killua's breathing slowed and deepened, marking Gon's efforts as a success. He knew Killua hadn't been sleeping but he hoped that now he would be able to.

After a little while of this, Gon heard a sleepy mumble from Killua.

"Gon?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

 _He must still be drunk,_ thought Gon with a chuckle.

"Yeah, yeah. No problem," Gon replied in a soft tone with a smile in his voice.

" 'n sorry f'r throwin' up on you," Killua barely managed to get out.

"Don't worry about it," Gon said, giving his boyfriend a gentle hug. "Besides, I got an excuse to look in your eyes super up close tonight. You know they look like Blue Planet, that gem Bisky was after? They're very pretty!"

Gon expected some kind of retort about how embarrassing it was for Gon to say that but all he heard from Killua was soft, deep breathing, indicating that he had drifted off to sleep.

"Sleep well, Killua," Gon whispered, leaving a kiss right behind Killua's ear. "I love you."


End file.
